the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
