thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
