my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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