dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
