I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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