I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
