I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
