If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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