dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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