he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
