dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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