Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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