well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
