We're like a lot better than the average bears
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
