what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So much Jack, so little girl.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
