worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
