Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
