two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
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