he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
