I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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