he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
