someone threw a dead crab at me
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
