i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
