Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
