my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
