I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
