guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
