You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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