Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
