my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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