Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
this just has baby written all over it
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Randomize
