drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
