Swine flu. Run for my life!
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
