Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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