Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So many bounce houses so little time
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
