I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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