I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
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