Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
