do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
