real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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