I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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