Old men and throwing up are my life now.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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