My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
