i jhust puked up my retainher.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
