I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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