Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
