why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
