I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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