I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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