So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
