So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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