we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
